[Barry loves that commitment, honestly. Hal was never the best at it with others, but their relationship has always been different, special. He only feels that again now as they sit together on the couch, unwinding after a stressful day.]
And I'm reminding you that I'm here to listen if you feel like talking about anything. [Barry adds with a small smile, tilting in to meet him after, kissing him back like he could do it for hours. He still won't push, but a reminder doesn't hurt, and until he's ready... They can just make out like this, as long as he wants.]
I know, Bar. You're always here for me. I'd never forget that.
[When he's ready to talk about anything, of course it'll be with Barry. For now he just...wants to be with Barry and not think about it. So instead of talking, he just leans in for another kiss]
Good. [As long as Hal knows that. He'll talk eventually, he's sure, but it's alright if it takes some time. Barry takes just as much comfort in this closeness, settled together on the couch, lazily making out as the sky grows darker outside.
Eventually, mouthing a kiss to his jaw, Barry asks quietly,] Do you want to go to bed?
[He's never once doubted that Barry cares for him and will always be there for him if he needs someone (which he does, even if he'll never admit that). He'd have to be stupid to doubt that. It's relatively early still, Hal isn't really tired and definitely will not sleep but...he can't deny that going to bed sounds appealing]
[They don't even have to sleep - they can keep making out if Hal wants. But he's a little bit ready to put things away and retreat to an even more private space together.] Okay.
[He gives him another kiss, and then goes to put the rest of the Chinese food up in the fridge, then returns to the couch, reaching down to take Hal's hands and pull him gently toward the stairs.]
[Hal, quite frankly, doesn't really know what he wants right now. He's feeling the tiniest bit clingy and wants to be as close as he possibly can. He won't say either of those things out loud but it's probably fairly obvious from how he's been acting. The idea of shutting themselves in their bedroom is incredibly appealing to him, with that in mind.
So when Barry comes back from putting the food away and takes his hands, Hal goes without any complaints. The minute they're in the bedroom he attaches again, burying his face in the crook of Barry's neck. He's not a very affectionate person in general but...Barry is an exception. And right now, he needs it]
[He doesn't have to say them out loud. Barry gets it. Maybe it's just a sixth sense for Hal's moods, but Barry isn't gone long, and then they can make their way upstairs. Hal is clinging to him the moment the door closes, leaving them limned in gentle darkness, the moon aglow outside their window giving just enough light to see by.
Barry wraps his arms around him again, willing to be patient. He kisses his hair, and after a few minutes, suggests,]
Do you want to change into something more comfortable and we can cuddle in bed?
[Barry's patience is deeply appreciated. Hal has never been great at...anything to do with emotions, honestly. When Barry asks if he wants to change and get in bed, Hal just makes a sound to let him know that he heard him, pressing a kiss to the side of his neck]
[Barry nods once, bringing his hand up to thread gently through the hair at the back of Hal's neck, hopefully a soothing gesture. He lets him go so he can change into sleep clothes, and then joins him on the bed.
He gets comfortable, and draws his best friend in to spoon him, pressing a kiss to the curve of his shoulder.]
[It is soothing. But only because it's Barry. Anyone else and he'd be recoiling at the very thought of being touched right now. He pulls away from Barry reluctantly to change and then makes himself comfortable on the bed. When Barry joins him he's more than happy to press close again]
Love you, too. How're you feeling now? Any better?
I'll be okay. [He answers, not dishonestly. It still bothers him, what they went through today, but he knows it will pass. Barry can at least relax like this, alone at home with Hal, warm and solid against him.]
[Hal shrugs in response to Barry's question, pressing closer to him] Fine. [He’s still not doing great, truthfully, but...he'll get over it. Today was far from the worst thing that's ever happened to him]
You're here, so I'll be okay. [He’s willing to give Barry some sap after the day they had, okay]
[That small statement makes him smile against his shoulder, giving Hal a gentle squeeze. He feels the same - as long as Hal is here, he'll be okay eventually. But he's still avoiding the subject of today, and so he tries one more time, voice quiet,]
[It's not so much that Hal doesn't want to talk about it, it's more that he doesn't know how. He's so bad at talking about how own feelings. He's bad at processing his own feelings. He has almost no emotional coping mechanisms that aren't self-destructive]
I hate the idea of someone being in my head. And I know that's normal. Who would like it? But it's more... [He literally cannot think of how to describe how he's feeling right now] I hate thinking about someone being able to just...make me think whatever they want me to think and using that to make me do what they want. And I know I'm probably overreacting but I just feel wrong now. I wanna crawl out of my own skin.
[Barry hums sympathetically, listening as Hal talks. It's nothing too surprising. Of course the idea of someone being inside your head, trying to manipulate you into complacency would be violating. Hal doesn't need to have that repeated to him, he's sure he knows that it's not an unusual way to feel after what they went through.
Barry's hands find Hal's, twining their fingers together and giving them a soft squeeze.] You're not overreacting. [He does say, quiet and hopefully reassuring.] Maybe being a little hard on yourself, but not overreacting.
[He's never needed anyone to tell him that he's fucking up because, chances are, he's already telling himself that. And having a very understandable reaction to a fucked up situation? Overreacting. But only because it's him. If it was anyone else in the world experiencing what he's experiencing right now, he'd be incredibly sympathetic]
It just...feels stupid. I don't really know what to do with myself right now and that pisses me off.
You are. [Barry agrees dryly, and presses a kiss to his shoulder to soothe any offense. He loves Hal, but this man is far better at taking care of others than he is at taking care of himself. Well, that's what he has Barry for.]
It's not stupid. You don't have to do anything right now. [Hal is such a man of action, he's not good at letting himself just... get through his feelings in the quiet.] What we went through today... That kind of thing is a weird violation. It's normal to feel off about it.
[He smiles a little wryly.] If you're stupid for feeling that way, then I am too.
See, I know all of that. Doesn't change the fact that it feels stupid. [He's so bad at giving himself the same slack that he'd give anyone else]
You're not. And I know what you're trying to do. [He's trying to prove a point and Hal gets it but...] I'm trying to convince myself that you're right.
Give it some time. [Hal is definitely not good at giving himself any slack. Time, he hopes, will help make it easier.
Barry kisses the corner of his jaw, hand stroking reassuringly over his arm.] I know you know what I'm trying to do, but it's not going to keep me from saying it. You're always so hard on yourself.
[He doesn't have an excuse for that because Barry is right. He does tend to be very hard on himself. He expects things from himself that he would never expect anyone else. He won't say that he thinks he deserves it because he knows Barry would disagree]
I know nothing is going to keep you from saying it. But I'll be fine. It's not that serious. [He is so very not fine in so many ways]
[Barry nudges him to roll over, so that they're face to face, tucked close on the bed, and tips his forehead against his friend's, tangling his fingers with Hal's.]
I know you'll be fine. [But he won't agree that it's not that serious.] But you aren't right now, and I just... that's okay, you know? It's just you and me here.
[Hal moves when he's nudged, letting Barry rearrange them. He won't ever admit how much he actually needs the closeness right now. Barry probably already knows. Instead, he just huffs a little]
You're asking for a lot here, you know that? [No one will ever be able to hate Hal as much as he hates himself. Sorry, Bruce] I'll try. No promises, though.
That's all I'm asking for. Just try. [Barry doesn't expect miracles here, he just hopes that maybe, if Hal has a reason to stop beating himself up inside, he might eventually taper that off somewhat.
And then, he says it again, because it can't hurt for Hal to hear it - that he loves him, that Hal is the one who saved them both today.] I love you. Thank you for dragging me out of that mess today.
I will. [It's gonna take a lot of work for him to get out of that particular habit. Since coming back from the dead, he's really gotten used to being down on himself]
Love you too. You know I'm always gonna be there for you. Even if it's something ridiculous like today.
I know. You have no idea how much that's always meant to me. [Barry says soft and fond, with a little smile, before he tilts in to kiss Hal, brief and chaste.
After a moment, he pulls away, just a hair, and exhales a quiet breath.] Ready to sleep? Maybe we'll both feel better in the morning.
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And I'm reminding you that I'm here to listen if you feel like talking about anything. [Barry adds with a small smile, tilting in to meet him after, kissing him back like he could do it for hours. He still won't push, but a reminder doesn't hurt, and until he's ready... They can just make out like this, as long as he wants.]
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[When he's ready to talk about anything, of course it'll be with Barry. For now he just...wants to be with Barry and not think about it. So instead of talking, he just leans in for another kiss]
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Eventually, mouthing a kiss to his jaw, Barry asks quietly,] Do you want to go to bed?
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If you want to.
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[He gives him another kiss, and then goes to put the rest of the Chinese food up in the fridge, then returns to the couch, reaching down to take Hal's hands and pull him gently toward the stairs.]
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So when Barry comes back from putting the food away and takes his hands, Hal goes without any complaints. The minute they're in the bedroom he attaches again, burying his face in the crook of Barry's neck. He's not a very affectionate person in general but...Barry is an exception. And right now, he needs it]
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Barry wraps his arms around him again, willing to be patient. He kisses his hair, and after a few minutes, suggests,]
Do you want to change into something more comfortable and we can cuddle in bed?
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Yeah, okay. That'd probably be a better idea.
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He gets comfortable, and draws his best friend in to spoon him, pressing a kiss to the curve of his shoulder.]
I love you.
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Love you, too. How're you feeling now? Any better?
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How about you? How are you feeling?
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You're here, so I'll be okay. [He’s willing to give Barry some sap after the day they had, okay]
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Mm. Still not ready to talk about it?
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I hate the idea of someone being in my head. And I know that's normal. Who would like it? But it's more... [He literally cannot think of how to describe how he's feeling right now] I hate thinking about someone being able to just...make me think whatever they want me to think and using that to make me do what they want. And I know I'm probably overreacting but I just feel wrong now. I wanna crawl out of my own skin.
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Barry's hands find Hal's, twining their fingers together and giving them a soft squeeze.] You're not overreacting. [He does say, quiet and hopefully reassuring.] Maybe being a little hard on yourself, but not overreacting.
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[He's never needed anyone to tell him that he's fucking up because, chances are, he's already telling himself that. And having a very understandable reaction to a fucked up situation? Overreacting. But only because it's him. If it was anyone else in the world experiencing what he's experiencing right now, he'd be incredibly sympathetic]
It just...feels stupid. I don't really know what to do with myself right now and that pisses me off.
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It's not stupid. You don't have to do anything right now. [Hal is such a man of action, he's not good at letting himself just... get through his feelings in the quiet.] What we went through today... That kind of thing is a weird violation. It's normal to feel off about it.
[He smiles a little wryly.] If you're stupid for feeling that way, then I am too.
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You're not. And I know what you're trying to do. [He's trying to prove a point and Hal gets it but...] I'm trying to convince myself that you're right.
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Barry kisses the corner of his jaw, hand stroking reassuringly over his arm.] I know you know what I'm trying to do, but it's not going to keep me from saying it. You're always so hard on yourself.
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[He doesn't have an excuse for that because Barry is right. He does tend to be very hard on himself. He expects things from himself that he would never expect anyone else. He won't say that he thinks he deserves it because he knows Barry would disagree]
I know nothing is going to keep you from saying it. But I'll be fine. It's not that serious. [He is so very not fine in so many ways]
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I know you'll be fine. [But he won't agree that it's not that serious.] But you aren't right now, and I just... that's okay, you know? It's just you and me here.
Be a little nicer to yourself? For me?
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You're asking for a lot here, you know that? [No one will ever be able to hate Hal as much as he hates himself. Sorry, Bruce] I'll try. No promises, though.
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And then, he says it again, because it can't hurt for Hal to hear it - that he loves him, that Hal is the one who saved them both today.] I love you. Thank you for dragging me out of that mess today.
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Love you too. You know I'm always gonna be there for you. Even if it's something ridiculous like today.
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After a moment, he pulls away, just a hair, and exhales a quiet breath.] Ready to sleep? Maybe we'll both feel better in the morning.
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