[It's not so much that Hal doesn't want to talk about it, it's more that he doesn't know how. He's so bad at talking about how own feelings. He's bad at processing his own feelings. He has almost no emotional coping mechanisms that aren't self-destructive]
I hate the idea of someone being in my head. And I know that's normal. Who would like it? But it's more... [He literally cannot think of how to describe how he's feeling right now] I hate thinking about someone being able to just...make me think whatever they want me to think and using that to make me do what they want. And I know I'm probably overreacting but I just feel wrong now. I wanna crawl out of my own skin.
[Barry hums sympathetically, listening as Hal talks. It's nothing too surprising. Of course the idea of someone being inside your head, trying to manipulate you into complacency would be violating. Hal doesn't need to have that repeated to him, he's sure he knows that it's not an unusual way to feel after what they went through.
Barry's hands find Hal's, twining their fingers together and giving them a soft squeeze.] You're not overreacting. [He does say, quiet and hopefully reassuring.] Maybe being a little hard on yourself, but not overreacting.
[He's never needed anyone to tell him that he's fucking up because, chances are, he's already telling himself that. And having a very understandable reaction to a fucked up situation? Overreacting. But only because it's him. If it was anyone else in the world experiencing what he's experiencing right now, he'd be incredibly sympathetic]
It just...feels stupid. I don't really know what to do with myself right now and that pisses me off.
You are. [Barry agrees dryly, and presses a kiss to his shoulder to soothe any offense. He loves Hal, but this man is far better at taking care of others than he is at taking care of himself. Well, that's what he has Barry for.]
It's not stupid. You don't have to do anything right now. [Hal is such a man of action, he's not good at letting himself just... get through his feelings in the quiet.] What we went through today... That kind of thing is a weird violation. It's normal to feel off about it.
[He smiles a little wryly.] If you're stupid for feeling that way, then I am too.
See, I know all of that. Doesn't change the fact that it feels stupid. [He's so bad at giving himself the same slack that he'd give anyone else]
You're not. And I know what you're trying to do. [He's trying to prove a point and Hal gets it but...] I'm trying to convince myself that you're right.
Give it some time. [Hal is definitely not good at giving himself any slack. Time, he hopes, will help make it easier.
Barry kisses the corner of his jaw, hand stroking reassuringly over his arm.] I know you know what I'm trying to do, but it's not going to keep me from saying it. You're always so hard on yourself.
[He doesn't have an excuse for that because Barry is right. He does tend to be very hard on himself. He expects things from himself that he would never expect anyone else. He won't say that he thinks he deserves it because he knows Barry would disagree]
I know nothing is going to keep you from saying it. But I'll be fine. It's not that serious. [He is so very not fine in so many ways]
[Barry nudges him to roll over, so that they're face to face, tucked close on the bed, and tips his forehead against his friend's, tangling his fingers with Hal's.]
I know you'll be fine. [But he won't agree that it's not that serious.] But you aren't right now, and I just... that's okay, you know? It's just you and me here.
[Hal moves when he's nudged, letting Barry rearrange them. He won't ever admit how much he actually needs the closeness right now. Barry probably already knows. Instead, he just huffs a little]
You're asking for a lot here, you know that? [No one will ever be able to hate Hal as much as he hates himself. Sorry, Bruce] I'll try. No promises, though.
That's all I'm asking for. Just try. [Barry doesn't expect miracles here, he just hopes that maybe, if Hal has a reason to stop beating himself up inside, he might eventually taper that off somewhat.
And then, he says it again, because it can't hurt for Hal to hear it - that he loves him, that Hal is the one who saved them both today.] I love you. Thank you for dragging me out of that mess today.
I will. [It's gonna take a lot of work for him to get out of that particular habit. Since coming back from the dead, he's really gotten used to being down on himself]
Love you too. You know I'm always gonna be there for you. Even if it's something ridiculous like today.
I know. You have no idea how much that's always meant to me. [Barry says soft and fond, with a little smile, before he tilts in to kiss Hal, brief and chaste.
After a moment, he pulls away, just a hair, and exhales a quiet breath.] Ready to sleep? Maybe we'll both feel better in the morning.
[He doesn't want to fall asleep and leave Hal alone with his thoughts, but he's not sure what else there is to do tonight. Neither of them are making much progress on ceasing to feel unsettled, honestly.]
I...sure. I'll try. [He's not gonna be able to sleep, not the way he's feeling. But he also doesn't know how to get rid of this feeling right now so...he doesn't really know what else to do]
Don't worry about it too much, though. If you're tired, you should sleep.
It might make me feel better. [He points out, with a wry smile.] I don't want to leave you alone with your thoughts if I can help it.
[Not that he'll have much choice eventually. He's going to need sleep. But... he hates the thought of just leaving Hal to it, without doing everything he possibly can to help him.]
[Hal can only huff a little, in amusement rather than annoyance, when Barry says that. Barry has always been the only one who doesn't just take his word for it when he says he'll be fine. Probably because Barry knows him better than anyone else. He presses closer to Barry, kissing the side of his head]
You can never just let me off easy, can you? [He wouldn't change a thing] I'm just having trouble shutting down. So I don't think it's gonna happen. But I'll try, if it makes you feel better.
[He knows Hal, just like Hal knows him inside and out. He accepts that kiss with a quiet breath, and tilts his head so he can kiss him properly, short and sweet.]
Nope. [He will never let Hal off easy. As much as Hal hates himself, Barry loves him.] I get it. I'll leave you alone about it if you want. Just... I'm here if you need me, okay?
I don't want you to leave me alone. [He pretty much never does. Barry is the one person he always wants around him] I know you're here if I need you. I never doubt that. But I also don't...really know what you could even do to help. Just laying here with you helps, I just feel like it's gonna be a while before I actually manage to settle down. That's all.
[Barry smiles a little ruefully, and steals a kiss.] That's just what I do. I can't help it, I love you too much.
[He manages to stay awake a little longer, but honestly, Barry is just worn out after today. He eventually falls asleep, and will stay asleep past his usual wake-up time if he isn't woken up by Hal or something happening first.]
[Hal, predictably, does not sleep. He mostly just lays there with Barry. It's not the most fun he's ever had and he knows he could wake Barry if he really needed the company but...he doesn't want to do that. So he lays there until he can't anymore, which is right around the time Barry would normally be waking up. He carefully gets out of bed, not wanting to wake Barry, and heads downstairs to make coffee]
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I hate the idea of someone being in my head. And I know that's normal. Who would like it? But it's more... [He literally cannot think of how to describe how he's feeling right now] I hate thinking about someone being able to just...make me think whatever they want me to think and using that to make me do what they want. And I know I'm probably overreacting but I just feel wrong now. I wanna crawl out of my own skin.
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Barry's hands find Hal's, twining their fingers together and giving them a soft squeeze.] You're not overreacting. [He does say, quiet and hopefully reassuring.] Maybe being a little hard on yourself, but not overreacting.
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[He's never needed anyone to tell him that he's fucking up because, chances are, he's already telling himself that. And having a very understandable reaction to a fucked up situation? Overreacting. But only because it's him. If it was anyone else in the world experiencing what he's experiencing right now, he'd be incredibly sympathetic]
It just...feels stupid. I don't really know what to do with myself right now and that pisses me off.
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It's not stupid. You don't have to do anything right now. [Hal is such a man of action, he's not good at letting himself just... get through his feelings in the quiet.] What we went through today... That kind of thing is a weird violation. It's normal to feel off about it.
[He smiles a little wryly.] If you're stupid for feeling that way, then I am too.
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You're not. And I know what you're trying to do. [He's trying to prove a point and Hal gets it but...] I'm trying to convince myself that you're right.
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Barry kisses the corner of his jaw, hand stroking reassuringly over his arm.] I know you know what I'm trying to do, but it's not going to keep me from saying it. You're always so hard on yourself.
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[He doesn't have an excuse for that because Barry is right. He does tend to be very hard on himself. He expects things from himself that he would never expect anyone else. He won't say that he thinks he deserves it because he knows Barry would disagree]
I know nothing is going to keep you from saying it. But I'll be fine. It's not that serious. [He is so very not fine in so many ways]
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I know you'll be fine. [But he won't agree that it's not that serious.] But you aren't right now, and I just... that's okay, you know? It's just you and me here.
Be a little nicer to yourself? For me?
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You're asking for a lot here, you know that? [No one will ever be able to hate Hal as much as he hates himself. Sorry, Bruce] I'll try. No promises, though.
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And then, he says it again, because it can't hurt for Hal to hear it - that he loves him, that Hal is the one who saved them both today.] I love you. Thank you for dragging me out of that mess today.
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Love you too. You know I'm always gonna be there for you. Even if it's something ridiculous like today.
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After a moment, he pulls away, just a hair, and exhales a quiet breath.] Ready to sleep? Maybe we'll both feel better in the morning.
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[He returns the kiss and then settles his hand on Barry's hip when they part]
Sure. If you're ready. [He isn't gonna sleep, he just knows it. But he's content to just lay here with Barry]
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[He doesn't want to fall asleep and leave Hal alone with his thoughts, but he's not sure what else there is to do tonight. Neither of them are making much progress on ceasing to feel unsettled, honestly.]
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Don't worry about it too much, though. If you're tired, you should sleep.
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I am, but... I'll stay up if you want me to.
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[Because he’s always, ultimately, fine. Even if the way there is never much fun. He’s not gonna break down or anything, is the point]
You staying up just because I can't sleep won't make me feel any better.
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[Not that he'll have much choice eventually. He's going to need sleep. But... he hates the thought of just leaving Hal to it, without doing everything he possibly can to help him.]
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You can never just let me off easy, can you? [He wouldn't change a thing] I'm just having trouble shutting down. So I don't think it's gonna happen. But I'll try, if it makes you feel better.
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Nope. [He will never let Hal off easy. As much as Hal hates himself, Barry loves him.] I get it. I'll leave you alone about it if you want. Just... I'm here if you need me, okay?
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That's okay. I might fall asleep, though. [His smile is small and apologetic.] If I do, you can wake me up if you need me for anything.
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You can sleep. I'll be okay. You worry too much.
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[He manages to stay awake a little longer, but honestly, Barry is just worn out after today. He eventually falls asleep, and will stay asleep past his usual wake-up time if he isn't woken up by Hal or something happening first.]
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